It’s not just making packed lunches
At MozFest 2019, I revealed as part of a group discussion that I don’t use Meta’s products — including WhatsApp. A participant, who knew I have sporty kids, asked how I managed to organise their activities. “My wife uses Facebook and WhatsApp,” I said. “Oh, you outsource the labour?” was their withering reply.
Six years later, and I still don’t use WhatsApp and Hannah (my wife) still sorts all of that stuff out. Any time we’re having a disagreement, she does tend to bring this up as an additional mental burden. So I was interested in this article by Chloë Hamilton in The Guardian where she and her partner “swapped” mental loads for a week.
I recommend reading the whole thing. It probably won’t be what you expect, and it both provided me with some insights and confirmed some things I’d suspected all along. I’d direct you in particular to the bit (not quoted below) about when their kids head off to be looked after by their grandparents…
It starts with a discussion in the car, prompted by the washing up. It wasn’t done that morning. The laundry needs hanging up, too, and someone has forgotten to make the packed lunches. We need to pay the dog walker, fix the broken bath panel, work out why our toddler has started waking in the night and book our youngest in for a haircut. Then there’s a half-planned playdate to confirm, meals to plan and all those family WhatsApp group messages that need a response.
Historically, women in heterosexual relationships have carried the heft of the mental load, also known as cognitive household labour. This is the behind-the-scenes work, often intangible, that goes into running a household. It’s not just the jobs: it’s thinking about those jobs. The true extent of this work, invisible and embedded as it is, can be hard to define; an iceberg of tasks concealed beneath waves of tradition, expectation and stereotypes. It’s not just the doing, it’s the remembering, the realising, the anticipating, the assigning. It’s not just making packed lunches, it’s getting food in, making sure it’s nutritious, checking the lunchboxes are washed and ready. It’s knowing the toddler has gone off bananas and the baby can’t eat chunks of apple yet. This work is unpaid, unseen and, often, unappreciated.
[…]
We conclude, as we pull into the childminder’s, that if long-term change is the objective, talking about it with your partner isn’t just recommended, it is essential – and, actually, doesn’t at all nullify the purpose of the chat. Opening up a dialogue has allowed us to have a respectful, thoughtful and continuing conversation about how we are feeling and faring. We have made the invisible visible.
Source: The Guardian
Image: Helena Lopes